We have never lived in a more fragmented time.
There have been recessions before, but none of us have faced the threat that stands against us now. We have never sailed in these kinds of waters - never had to perform in this kind of environment.
And yet, we need to keep working. Keep building. The heroes of healthcare are working to protect us and find us a cure. We need to be working to keep our selves, our teams, our businesses, and our economy going.
How do we do that? How do we do that which feels impossible?
One key step is to practice the Mindset Skill of Vulnerability.
I hear you groaning.
"Oh, vulnerability is it? Sitting round a campfire (more than 2 meters apart of course) talking about our feelings is it?!"
Chances are that if you have this reaction, (or something similar), then this article is for you. Keep reading.
What I aim to do in this article is to offer an accessible, tangible definition of vulnerability. We'll look at why it is important. For good measure, we'll also look at some suggestions on where to begin practicing it.
Put away the marshmallows
Vulnerability is not some squishy threat to good old-fashioned hard work, grit and resilience. It is the key to it.
Before we get into application, let us first look at a definition. I want to offer you a couple from great minds that have helped me think about vulnerability, and then offer my own.
Dr. Brené Brown in her TED Talk articulates Vulnerability as "the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees".
Mark Manson (author of 'The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck') explains vulnerability as:
"consciously choosing to NOT hide your emotions or desires from others. [...] Genuine vulnerability is not about what you do, it’s all about why you’re doing it. It’s the intention behind your behaviour that makes it truly vulnerable (or not)."
Let's take a look at Dr. Brown's definition first.
Doing something where there are no guarantees. What does that sound like? That's just risk taking. That's what most of life is - particularly business life.
We are great at convincing ourselves of certainty with our numbers and projections. But if the last few months have taught us anything, it's that we have no control over what actually happens. So perhaps we can all agree now that we do not know with any certainty what is to come. We can therefore agree that we take risks on a daily basis.
If we examine Mark Manson's definition, we will find Authenticity staring back us. Being real. Being honest. And doing it for the right reasons.
Here's my contribution to the definition of Vulnerability:
Vulnerability is seeking improvement and getting out of our own way for long enough to let our team help us.
Intellectually, we know we are not perfect. Emotionally, we feel we should be. Being constantly bombarded with the shiny veneer of other peoples' lives doesn't help. We only see the good stuff because no-one ever shares the bad stuff (that would mean being vulnerable). So we feel like we're the only ones. And on and on it goes.
Real opportunity lies in looking the fact of our imperfection in the face and accepting it. Remember, acceptance is not approval. You don't have to like it or be happy about it. But you can't make a plan to get to where you want to be unless you acknowledge where you actually are.
The opportunity is that if we accept that we don't have all the answers, we start asking better questions. And once we start asking better questions, we can find better answers, and do better work.
What happens when we don't
Still not convinced? Very well. Let's look at what happens without vulnerability. Tell me if any of this this sounds familiar:
You spend your time and energy pretending
You go through each day trying to do everything yourself
You work to appear the strongest, most rock-solid spouse/partner/colleague/friend ever
You never say no to anything
You agonise over the slightest admission of weakness you made to a co-worker in the kitchen
And you hate every second of it
Let us start to move from definitions into why vulnerability is important. This story should serve as an example of the real business impact that a lack of vulnerability can have.
When I was starting out in a new job I received a request for something. I can't even remember what it was, but I didn't know how to fulfil the request.
Rather than ask for help (aka practice vulnerability) I ignored the problem, and email. I focused on tasks I could do and/or wanted to do.
Weeks, and many emails, passed, until finally this colleague sent me a complaint. They copied in my Team Leader, Director and General Manager.
Ouch.
Now it was a big problem. I was in trouble. The work was overdue. The client was angry. Everyone's time was wasted.
Had I just asked for help, I could have avoided the embarrassment. The image of the company in the eyes of the client would have been protected. My colleagues' time would not have been wasted.
In the performance review that followed, the lesson was clear;
Not knowing how to do the task was the problem. Not asking for help was.
If you're a leader, you're likely made uncomfortable at the thought of this happening in your team. But it can, and likely does, all the time. Especially if you do not have a team culture that practices vulnerability.
Let's look at a lack of vulnerability from a team perspective.
If vulnerability is absent in a team, then that team spends their time being inauthentic. This is a group of people who are false. They pretend all day long about how they feel and what they think and know.
To put it in stronger terms, they lie to each other, and to their leaders. Their leaders lie to their team. And no-one has any clue what is actually going on. And if they don't know what's going on, how can they solve the problems that will inevitably arise?
Are you convinced about how important Vulnerability is yet?
Making Vulnerability a part of your team
I'm going to assume for now that you see the importance of vulnerability. So where do we start?
In 'The Culture Code', Daniel Coyle the importance of vulnerability in high performance cultures. Vulnerability in a team sparks cooperation and trust between team members. If the team knows there is a problem, and is entrusted to help with solving that problem, then it can and will.
The book makes many suggestions on how to build vulnerability into a culture. A key method is by you, the leader, being an example of it.
Here is a simple way to do this. It takes very little time and is free. Email your team on a weekly basis and ask them three questions:
What is one thing I should stop doing?
What is one thing I should keep doing?
What is one thing I should start doing?
That's it. Sound simple enough right? But the thought of sending that email to your team probably makes your stomach turn.
Another way is to practice vulnerability is to hold 'after action reports'. Regular meetings where the team critiques themselves and their results. Allow the space to speak authentically. Problems get aired. Solutions are found. Teams are built.
So what prevents us from doing this?
Vulnerability Blockers: Titles, Culture, and our Selves
Titles
I do a lot of work with first-time managers. The thing they all have in common is a certain belief. They believe they need to have all the answers. Now that their title reads "Manager", they should no longer need help. They should be perfect.
This seven-letter straightjacket is the reason that they cannot ask for help. And the loftier the title, the tighter that straightjacket of "Should" becomes.
"I should know this"
"I shouldn't as them, they'll think I don't do anything"
"If I want it done, I should just do it myself".
Cultures
There are many companies that do want to get this right. They want for their teams to be open, honest and ask for help. But the definition of a Culture is "This is how we do things around here". It is not "This is how we talk about doing things around here".
They have the best of intentions. But their behaviours are not aligned with these intentions.
For example, a team-mate or report may come to us and admit a failure. We mean well, but let's look closely at our reactions:
We launch into 'fix-it' mode and make the help-seeker feel useless.
We launch into 'angry parent' mode and make the help-seeker feel useless.
We launch into 'damage control' mode and make the help-seeker feel useless.
Were we really allowing the person to feel heard, understood, and part of the solution? Or did we just rush in and fix the short term problem, rather than practice the behaviour that, long-term, will take us where we want to go?
Ourselves
None of the above reactions are ill-intentioned or personal. (If they are, you won't have made it this far through the article).
But these reactions are all borne of our insecurities - not those of the person coming to us.
We fear what consequences the mistake will have for our companies, or for us directly. Or perhaps we feel good about the person coming to us and so we overdo it a bit. Perhaps their request for help is a welcome distraction from our own fears and overwhelm.
This is Ego. Ego is concerned with perception. Someone tells us a problem, and one of two things happen.
We fear how we will look and work hard to fix the problem quickly, or
we fear how we look in general and love that we were the heroes that this poor soul turned to.
Ego stops us from being Vulnerable. Because we fear how we will look.
It takes everyone
It is not enough any more for one person to be vulnerable in a team, the whole team needs to know how to receive it. And the thing about it is, that the more a team practices it, the easier it becomes.
There is a quote - "If we knew each other's secrets, what comforts we should find". Have you ever been part of a group discussion and had a question but didn't want to ask it? Has someone asked that question instead? Were you relieved that someone else was wondering the same thing you were?
Most of what we fear others finding out, they feel as well.
Sales people feel like they are the only ones to lose a deal.
Managers think they are the only ones who feel like impostors in their new role.
New parents think that they are the only ones who feel like they are drowning and can't cope.
Couples think their friends don't have relationship problems.
The list goes on and on, but how much better do we feel when we open up, and find that other people feel the same?
Vulnerability is what will make a team strong in troubled times. They will feel safe. They will feel supported. This will give them energy and resilience to find solutions to new problems in hard times.
(By the way, when someone asks that question you wanted to ask, did you also feel jealous of that person's courage? That wasn't courage. That was vulnerability. Which takes courage.)
So what now?
There is a lot out there on vulnerability. By now the burden of proof is on those who do not believe in its cultural significance. It is one of the key elements of high performance. If you want more resources on vulnerability and how to build it into your culture, below is a good place to start.
"The Power of Vulnerability" - Dr. Brené Brown
"Vulnerability: the Key to Better Relationships" - Mark Manson
"The Culture Code" - Daniel Coyle
"Tribal Leadership" - John King & Halee Fischer-Wright
This stuff is difficult to build. It is intangible, and everyone in a team is at a different starting point. Different people see vulnerability as important to differing degrees. Different people are vulnerable in different ways. Added to that, this is very much a 'sweeping the floor' type exercise. It has to be done daily. Consistently.
But the rewards are there for those who work at it. Cultures that practice vulnerability are real with themselves and each other. They acknowledge problems, and work on them together. This means they win.
Good luck.